When the majority of a person's energy is spent battling physical pain on a daily basis, they may also struggle with the concept that someone else could find them truly attractive or worthy of love and attention. This is especially true when it comes to dating and/or maintaining existing romantic relationships.
While the physically healthy person may be saying,"Yes, you are attractive and worthy of my love and attention," these words may not always find their way to the heart of their partner suffering from chronic pain, especially in the middle of the night when self-doubt creeps in.
There can be very strong emotions involved when dealing with physical pain of any kind, both on behalf of the sufferer and the person who wants to be close to them. Both are weary of the battle, neither wants it to continue and both usually feel helpless to control the situation.
As a person in chronic pain, I have experienced:
· Lack of trust
My partner has also experienced the same emotions.
Sometimes the healthy person, who is more than willing to see beyond their partner's limitations and is sincere in their love and devotion, can become discouraged by being told, "Find yourself someone healthy because I'm just a burden to you," or, "You can't be that happy with me. Why don't you go out and have some real fun?"
Here are some ways in which my partner and I have successfully worked out these feelings:
1) Poor Self-image
A person who is always in pain may find themselves fighting the feeling, "I must have done something really awful to deserve this." As illogical as that might seem, it can still be a very real emotion.
The person in chronic pain may also be unable to take care of themselves on a day-to-day basis in the same way that they used to. They may gain or lose weight or not have the motivation or ability to go for a simple walk. Even performing the most basic self-care functions like brushing one's teeth or showering can become a monumental task.
A poor self-image on behalf of the healthy person in the relationship can arise due to completely different reasons. "If I were any kind of a man (or a woman), I would be able to help this person. I'd be able to do something. Why can't I do that? What's the matter with ME?"
Solution: Realize that neither one of you is inadequate because of the circumstances that you are in. It is what it is and you must share your feelings with one another.
As the healthy person, tell your partner how much you wish you could help them. If you are the person in chronic pain, tell your partner how much you wish you could be the same person that you used to be.
You must share these initial feelings before you can move forward. Then once you have, you both need to let them go and work on ways to rebuild each other's self-image in a positive way.
2) Lack of Trust
You probably fell in love with each other for the very best of reasons. When I refer to a ‘lack of trust' in a relationship between a person in chronic pain and a healthy person, I'm not referring to the standard concept of infidelity.
A person in chronic pain may already be feeling a bit shaky about their self-image and overall worthiness. They may also feel a lack of trust in their partner's ability to face the challenges that lie ahead. "Does he/she really know what's involved here? Can I trust him/her to stay with me for the long haul even if I never get better? Are they just saying these things because they feel sorry for me or do they really love me?"
The healthy partner, trying desperately to understand what their partner in chronic pain is going through, and while sincerely in love with them, may sometimes feel, "Perhaps he/she is only with me because they need me right now. What will happen if they get better? Will he/she leave me? Are they with me only because I am willing to deal with these circumstances?"
Solution: Celebrate what really attracted you to each other in the first place. It could be your partner's sense of humor and ability to giggle with you throughout the night while they do their rendition of Elmer Fudd's laugh, or when they happen to look at you with ‘those eyes' while picking up a kitten and you feel an overwhelming urge to hug them at that very moment.
These precious moments have nothing to do with pain. They have everything to do with love and the solidarity of knowing that one has touched one's partner in a way that no one else ever could. These moments will never go away, whether the person in chronic pain gets better or not. They just "are." Trust in them.
3) Resentment
There are times when a person suffering from chronic pain-as well as their partner-may feel a huge sense of resentment, frustration or anger. These pent up emotions may be turned inward, vented toward each other, or poured out to the universe in general.
What sometimes happens is that the person in pain may feel, "He/she can go out and do whatever they want. Why can't I? I don't want to feel envious of the person I love, but in a way, I can't help myself."
The healthy person may feel, "Why can't my partner participate with me in all of the normal things I want to do? I'm upset that they can't. I know it's not their fault, but I don't know what to do with my anger."
These feelings of anger and resentment are very real and most certainly justified. They are not necessarily directed toward each other, just to the situation. But sometimes when they are released, they can be misconstrued as anger toward one another and cause damage to the relationship.
Solution: Whenever you have a knee-jerk reaction to an emotion like resentment or anger, whether you happen to be the partner who is in chronic pain or the healthy partner, it's okay to walk away from it for a while…physically, emotionally or both. It's okay to feel safe with that. Tomorrow will be a better day if you really want it to be.
Maintaining a successful romantic relationship can be a challenge at the best of times. When one partner also happens to suffer from chronic pain, the added complications of poor self-image, lack of trust and resentment can further muddy the waters, but can be successfully overcome with true love, desire and most importantly, honest communication with one another.
Everyone is just one step away from love…or is already loved…no matter what their circumstances. They may just not be aware of it yet.
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