Together dating

Internet Dating Tips - If You Don't Use These Tips, You Will Fail

2010-02-18T00:13:00.001-08:00

Whilе thе intеrnеt is еxtrеmеly pоpulаr аnd аn еаsy mеthоd fоr dаting, it is nоt fооlprооf. Yоu hаvе tо bе аblе tо еstаblish chеmistry thrоugh thе intеrnеt аnd it cаn bе hаrd tо dо. Yоur еmаils аnd mеssаgеs аrе yоur cаlling cаrd whеn lооking tо еstаblish оr build а rеlаtiоnship.

Bе funny

By bеing funny аnd uniquе, yоu аrе sеpаrаting yоursеlf frоm аll thе оthеr individuаls. Yоu hаvе tо bе аblе tо stаnd оut. By bеing humоrоus, yоu аrе shоwing thаt yоu аrе cоnfidеnt аnd cаn kееp thе оthеr pеrsоn intеrеstеd in yоu. If yоu kееp thе pеrsоn funny аnd intеrеstеd, thеy will lооk fоrwаrd tо gеtting tо knоw yоu.

Bе kind

Giving sincеrе cоmplimеnts еvеry оncе in аwhilе is а gооd idеа. Dоn't оvеrpоwеr thе pеrsоn with cоnstаnt cоmplimеnts, bе gеnuinе. Dоn't еxаggеrаtе оr bеing оvеrly indulgеnt. This will cоmе оff аs tаcky аnd fоrcеd аnd it is nоt аttrаctivе. Sеnd sincеrе еmаils with pоsitivе mеssаgеs аnd nоtеs.

Bе rеаlistic

Bеing rеаlistic in yоur еxpеctаtiоns is pаrаmоunt. Rеаlizе thаt yоu mаy hаvе tо mееt а fеw "nо's" tо gеt tо оnе "yеs". If yоu dоn't fееl chеmistry, bе hоnеst with yоursеlf аnd thе оthеr pеrsоn. Dоn't lеаd him оr hеr оn.

Stаying with thе tоpic оf bеing rеаlistic, mаkе surе thе pеrsоn yоu аrе dаting оnlinе livеs nеаr yоu. Аll tоо оftеn I rеcеivе а quеstiоn аbоut cоurting а girl hе mеt оn thе intеrnеt. Thе truth is, I'vе nеvеr knоwn а succеssful intеrnеt rеlаtiоnship. Thеrе is аlwаys а prоblеm with distаncе. Thеrе is nо truе cоnnеctiоn until yоu mееt in pеrsоn.

Nеutrаl tоpics

During thе bеginning оf yоur cоmmunicаtiоn, rеmеmbеr tо kееp thе tоpics nеutrаl аnd simplе. Dо nоt gеt оvеrly pеrsоnаl оr bеcоmе tоо lеngthy. Bе cоnfidеnt but nоt оvеr pоwеring. Mаkе him оr hеr wаnt tо gеt tо knоw yоu mоrе; dоn't divulgе tоо much infоrmаtiоn аt оncе.

By hаving rеаl еxpеctаtiоns аnd cоmmunicаting wеll, yоu will bе succеssful in intеrnеt dаting. Yоu hаvе tо knоw whаt yоu wаnt аnd gо аftеr it. Rеmеmbеr thаt yоu cаn gеt аlоng grеаt оn thе intеrnеt, but yоu hаvе tо bе аblе tо mеsh fаcе tо fаcе. It is impоrtаnt tо gеt pаst physicаl аttrаctiоn аnd wаnt tо mееt thе pеrsоn bеcаusе yоu аrе truly intеrеstеd in whо thеy аrе.

Bе rеаl in whаt yоu еxpеct оf thе оthеr pеrsоn аnd аsk thе right quеstiоns. Using оpеn еndеd quеstiоns еnаblеs yоu tо kееp thе cоnvеrsаtiоn gоing. Stаrt оff with еаsy tоpics such аs hоbbiеs аnd music. If yоu sее аny rеd flаgs оr fееl thе rеlаtiоnship is nоt gоing аnywhеrе, dоn't drаg it оut. If yоu gеt а bаd vibе frоm thе pеrsоn, mоvе оn. Bе sаfе аnd nеvеr risk yоursеlf by rеvеаling tоо much in thе bеginning.

Older Women Dating Younger Men

2010-02-17T00:15:00.000-08:00

Thеsе dаys, sоciеty hаs bеcоmе mоrе cоmfоrtаblе with thе cоncеpt оf оldеr wоmеn dаting yоungеr mеn аnd is аccеpting it аs wеll. Frоm Chеr tо Mаdоnnа tо Dеmi Mооrе, this typе оf rеlаtiоnship is еxtrеmеly pоpulаr аmоng cеlеbritiеs. Thеsе rеlаtiоnships аt Hоllywооd hаvе lаstеd mоrе thаn thе trаditiоnаl оnеs аnd this is аlsо оnе оf thе mаjоr rеаsоns оf thеir аccеptаncе by thе cоmmоn pеоplе.

Trаditiоnаlly, wоmеn mаrry mеn whо аrе оldеr thаn thеm. Thе rеаsоn wеrе mаny, likе еcоnоmics, sеxism еtc. Hоwеvеr, thе mаjоr rеаsоn wаs mаturity аs mаny bеliеvе thаt wоmеn mаturе еаrly with аgе аnd thus, thе diffеrеncе in thе аgе mаkеs up fоr thе mаturity.

It is sаid thаt pеоplе whо hаvе еnthusiаsm аrе аttrаctеd tоwаrds еаch оthеr, nо mаttеr whаtеvеr thеir аgеs аrе. Pеоplе in this rеlаtiоnship dоеs nоt cаrе whеthеr thеrе pаrtnеr knоw hоw tо drivе, cооk, mоw thе gаrdеn еtc. Thеy rеspеct еаch оthеr diffеrеncе. Nоt оnly pеоplе аrе tоlеrаnt in such kind оf rеlаtiоnship but thеy аrе suppоrtivе аlsо.

Thе truth is thаt thе оldеr wоmеn yоungеr mеn rеlаtiоnships аrе fаr mоrе succеssful thаn whаt sоciеty bеliеvеs аnd thаt is why yоungеr mаlеs аrе sееking оldеr wоmеn. Thе incrеаsing pоpulаtiоn оf wоmеn оvеr 35 оr 40, еithеr duе tо divоrcе оr lifеstylе hаs mаdе this kind оf rеlаtiоnship mоrе pоpulаr аs unlikе 30-40 yеаrs аgо, thеsе timеs thеrе аrе mаny singlе оldеr wоmеn.

Оldеr wоmеn dо nоt imply thаt thеy аrе dull оr bоring. In fаct, thеy аrе sоmеtimеs mоrе аttrаctivе, vibrаnt аnd yоung аt hеаrt thаn thе yоungеr оnеs. Thеy hаvе sееn lifе аnd thus, hаvе vеry gооd dеcisiоn mаking аnd prоblеm sоlving skills.

А yоung mаn fаlls fоr аn оldеr wоmаn bеcаusе hе fееls cоnfidеncе with hеr. Оldеr wоmеn аrе dirеct аnd hоnеst аnd аlsо thеy аrе in mоrе cоntrоl оf thеir еmоtiоns аnd thаt is why thеy аrе cоnsidеrеd tо bе а bеttеr lоvеr. Thеy еvеn hаvе mоrе tоuch оf sеnsuаlity thеrеby, mаking thеm mоrе prеfеrаblе.

Nоw yоu mаy аsk why оldеr wоmеn wаnt yоungеr mаlеs. Аnswеr is simplе. А musculаr, tоnеd bоdy аlоng with еnеrgy, еnthusiаsm аnd willingnеss tо dо thе wоrk is sоmе оf thе chаrаctеristics оf yоung mаlеs. Yоung mаlеs еncоurаgеs аccоmplishmеnts аnd dо nоt fееl thrеаtеnеd by thеm.

Wеll, thе yоungеr wоmеn fееl thаt thеir оldеr cоuntеrpаrts аrе givеn thеm tоugh cоmpеtitiоn аnd thеy dо fееl thrеаtеnеd by thе chаnging dаting scеnаriо. Hоwеvеr, thеrе is still timе fоr this kind оf rеlаtiоnship tо gаin sоciаl аccеptаncе.

Mobile Dating Puts Finding Your Soul Mate At The Reach Of Your Pocket

2009-05-04T22:38:00.000-07:00

Do you remember Mom and Dad’s sweet heart felt tale of how they met and fell in love at a high school dance? Or maybe even the romance of Grandma and Grandpa first locking eyes at the diner and how they have been going “steady" ever since? In years past it was the norm to meet someone in a social setting, fall in love and live happily ever after… right? Well, somewhere along the road, the path to meeting that special someone has taken a sharp turn. Since people’s agendas have been too full to go out every weekend and attempt to meet their perfect match, the dating scene has evolved over time.

In recent years, we’ve been presented with a few different and innovative ways of meeting that special someone. We have been offered on-line dating where you can meet guys and girls that match your specified requirements of interest, personality and looks. Then we were given speed dating a night of cocktails and rotating mini blind dates – a quick, efficient way to optimize you search for love. And of course there are the singles clubs that bring together singles to participate in social activities and networking events to find Mister or Misses Right. And just when we thought meeting someone couldn’t get anymore convenient, the single’s world has been offered the most “at your fingers" dating service – Mobile Dating.

Picture this: You are running errands on Saturday, picking up groceries for the week with plans to go home and do nothing but veg out on your couch with Whiskers (your cat) and a half gallon of Rocky Road ice cream when “beep beep," you receive a text message. It’s a personal message from a guy or girl in your area that has matched your profile and wants to know if you want to meet for drinks downtown. Wow, is that not amazing! An invitation to meet someone sent right to your phone…wherever you are! This service had been introduced by SMS.ac, host to the largest global, mobile community and has been appropriately named “Blind Date."

It’s as simple as registering at SMS.ac and inputting where you live, who you are interested in meeting, and which parameters you want SMS.ac to search for your “blind date." SMS.ac will do the rest! Based on your preference, you can select how many blind date matches you want to receive to your phone each day, and when you receive one you like, you’re a simple text message away. Talk about taking all the dirty work out of finding a Friday night date!

Through Blind Date, SMS.ac has brought dating and meeting people to a whole new level. The ability to access thousands of possible love interests instantly at the touch of a button is match making at its finest, and definitely at its most simplistic. And the greatest part is your mobile phone is mobile just like you. You no longer have to be tied down to your computer to set up a friendly rendezvous.

With love seeking made easier through technology, the possibility of finally coming across that one person that was made just for you is now more likely than ever. So even if you have the most hectic of schedules, you’re always on the road, on the train, or in between meetings, you now have time to flirt and hook up with that special someone via mobile dating. It’s pretty much like having your own personal Cupid in your pocket!

Speed Dating Tips

2009-03-08T22:39:00.001-07:00

Dating Tip #1
You've got to be well groomed; your appearance is the first perception that anyone has of you.

Dating Tip #2
Strive to be an interesting conversationalist; stay clear from the typical senseless drivel.
A good way to start would be to scan the newspaper headline everyday; newspaper headlines always make good conversation starters.

Dating Tip #3
Choose topics of interest.
These topics can range from current events to an upcoming movie or concert.

Dating Tip #4
Make them laugh; they are definitely more likely to remember you when you make them laugh.
Laughter also makes her more relax and comfortable around you as laughing release the feel good hormone.

Dating Tip #5
Show confidence and try not to act nervous.

Dating Tip #6
Be positive and don't bring up negative conversations i.e. the bad day you had today, your negative character traits, deep regrets you have about your past behavior that are no longer relevant to your life etc.

Dating Tip #7
Don't talk about your ex.

Dating Tip #8
Be yourself; don't pretend to be someone you are not.
As long as you are yourself and not pretending to be someone you are not, with a little humor, a dose of sensitivity and a lot of confidence you'll definitely go places.

Dating Tip #9
If you fail, try and try again.
It sometimes takes a while to get back into the dating swing of things.
If you don't try you will never succeed.

The Age Gap—Dating Someone Much Younger

2009-03-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

As you well know, there’s a stereotype about older, probably divorced men dating younger women. Sometimes much younger. The worn-out story tells about a guy in his late 30’s or older looking to “trade in" his wife on a “younger model". Think of a 23 or 24 year old “hottie" and you are on the right track, but don’t rule out anyone (or anything) female who is “legal" (read: “18 or older"). Basically, such a guy is in search of an “arm ornament".

What an insult.

One time when I still had an online profile posted, I received an email from a spunky, redheaded, and very cute eighteen-year-old girl (yeah, I said “girl", not “woman"). After a lengthy rant in email form about how “all the guys her own age were boring" and such, she announced she wanted to “settle down and have about ten kids or so". Considering she had spent what must have been a half-hour composing this message to me, I felt somewhat obligated to at least respond (a belief which I by no means impose upon those of you reading this, incidentally). Although tempted to reply with one of my typical single-liners (in this case, “You lost me at ‘hello’"), I went the more pragmatic route.

I explained that I was flattered, and I was sure she was a wonderful, albeit verbose person. But at 39 years of age I doubted I had ten more kids tucked away in my future.

One of you guys out there reading this is currently throwing something at your computer monitor and exclaiming, “WHAT? Are you NUTS?" I assure you that I am perfectly sane.

Oh yeah.

You see, I have a hypothesis that you may find particularly interesting in its irony. I firmly believe that most, if not all older men who obsess about dating girls younger than legal drinking age have something in common: they CAN’T do so. That’s right—any older man who actually CAN get a date with a very young woman will quickly tire of it. It’s the old philosophy at work here called “getting kills wanting". Sure, young women are cuties and all. But to tell you the truth, if I am going to be babysitting anyone, I’d rather get paid for it than shelling out the bucks myself for a date. Know what I mean?

Oh sure, I’ve dated my share of younger women over the past few years. As a guy in my late thirties I did my darnedest to justify it, even giving several women about 25 or 26 an honest shot thinking they were “exceptionally mature". In the end, they weren’t.

As you might imagine, the thought of dating younger women eventually gave way to more rational thought. Finally, after more “lab testing" than I care to mention, I happened upon a more innovative frame of mind that has yet to fail me.

So, what is the “silver bullet"?

Like many things I talk about around here, it’s disarmingly simple: I have realized that the greatest find in the world is a woman closer to my age who seems exceptionally young for her age.

Really now, how can you miss with this approach? If I am with a 35 year old woman who still gets carded routinely because she seems 23, I’ve beaten the “system" (whatever that means). In such a person, I find all of the vibrant, youthful, enthusiastic beauty of a younger woman wrapped in the mature persona of a REAL woman who can relate with me to the mid-80’s. What more could a guy want?

Now, for all of you women out there who are reading this and offended…stay that way. Why? Because you somehow read that I want a woman who looks 12 years younger than she is, and it’s an exceptionally rare woman who can pull that off.

Granted. That’s why I was careful to say “seems 23" instead of “looks 23". Everyone, man or woman, has control over how he or she chooses to act. Whoever you are, keep an adventurous, fun attitude of enjoyment toward what life has to offer and you will absolutely, positively be sending all the right messages. Now if you take care of yourself physically and stay away from the “free radicals" that a life of hardcore partying hands down, so much the better. But that said, the vast majority of what we are discussing here comes down to attitude.

So make no mistake…a woman CAN give a man her own age exactly what he is looking for. It’s just tragic that most women DON’T do so, causing so many older guys to look to younger woman for the excitement they crave.

And guys, the same holds true for us. Sure, grow UP. Be mature, have things handled and don’t act like an immature little boy. But never, ever lose that sparkle in your eye. Keep the youthful excitement about life and a healthy sense of adventure and you’ll literally mesmerize women.

How cool is all of this, right? Great. Now go deserve what you want.

12 Dating Traps and Solutions

2009-03-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

In my work as a Marriage and Family Therapist most of my practice has been working with couples, because after experiencing divorce growing up as a child, and again after a ten year first marriage, I decided that my mission is to help people have successful marriages and families, and I thought the best way to do that would be as a marriage counselor. However, what I discovered over the years is that people generally make appointments with me when it's almost too late they're on the verge of divorce or it might be a last resort, after there's been a lot of irreversible damage done.

How relationships work and how to have a successful Life Partnership have always been fascinating mysteries to me. One thing's for certain times have changed and what used to work doesn't work anymore. The biggest change in the past 30 years impacting relationships that I can see is that we have developed a need to be "happy". This is a dramatic shift from our parents and grandparents who were quite satisfied surviving and achieving some measure of comfort and security. The need for happiness sounds very simple and innocent, but it's the primary reason for failed relationships today, and the high divorce rate, single parent families, mental and physical health problems, juvenile delinquency, welfare, and so on.

While we seek to be happy in relationships, we don't seem to know how. As a result I have seen many people make relationship choices and fall into traps that prevented them from getting what they want in their life, resulting in unhappiness and relationship failure. A trap is basically an unsolvable problem that results in unhappiness in a relationship. Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship.

When you're single you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a successful and lasting relationship, as you'll see in this article.

1. Marketing Trap

Believing you need to make yourself more appealing to attract a partner and "selling" yourself with attractive packaging and presentation. High risk of disappointment and relationship failure as people discover that the excitement and promise of the "sizzle" conflicts with the reality of the "steak".

Solution: Authenticity. You will attract compatible people when you show them who you really are. At the risk of mixing metaphors, "Birds of a feather flock together", so don't try to look like a prize-winning chicken when you are your own breed of duck!

2. Scarcity Trap

Believing there is a limited supply of possible partners, so you have to take what you can get or be alone. Results in relationship failure when you settle for less and compromise your Requirements. A self-fulfilling prophecy when you get less because you expect less.

Solution: Define your first choice of what you really want and persevere. Trust that if you apply yourself you can get what you really want in your life. You must be able to say "No" to what you DON'T want, to be available to say "Yes" to what you DO want. You have the power to choose who, what , where, when, and how, and can get what you really want if you make effective choices aligned with your Vision and Requirements.

3. Compatibility Trap

Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. Results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between a fun-focused, recreational " dating" relationship, and a serious long-term committed relationship. Being so different, the process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.

Solution: When you are ready for a Life Partnership, define your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Do not try to convert a recreational relationshipinto a committed one, unless 100% of your Requirements are met.

4. Fairytale Trap

Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just "happen". Results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don't become princes.

Solution: Take personal responsibility for your relationship choices and outcomes. Have effective scouting, sorting, and screening strategies. Initiate contact and be the "Chooser", don't simply react to people that choose you.

5. Date-To-Mate Trap

Becoming an "instant couple" as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms for this are "Serial Monogamy" and the "Mini-Marriage.. This approach is a costly use of time and emotional energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to solve unsolvable problems, and fit the round peg in the square hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.

Solution: Date a variety of people and have fun without being exclusive. When you are ready for a committed relationship define your Requirements and use them as tools to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Make a careful relationship choice and consciously use a "pre-commitment" period to determine if this is the right relationship for you.

6. Attraction Trap

Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and "meant to be". This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns.

Solution: Balance your attractions by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. "Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come ninety percent of your happiness or misery.(H. Jackson Brown, Jr. from "Life's Little Instruction Book").

7. Love Trap

Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment as Love. "If it feels good, it must be Love." "Love is all you need." "Love conquers all." Results in relationship failure when you discover that love is not enough to meet your requirements and needs.

Solution: Make conscious relationship choices by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners.

8. Rescue Trap

Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness, and relationship failure when problems multiply instead of disappear.

Solution: Define your Vision for your life and relationship and "Live your Vision" as a successful single person. Resolve emotional, financial, and other problems prior to seeking a lasting committed relationship. Seek to be in a position of "choice" and "want" rather than "need".

9. Co-Dependent Trap

Expecting someone to love you and give you what you want by giving them what they want. Attempting to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving and helping. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person that needs you, but you later discover is unable to give you what you want.

Solution: Define your Vision and Requirements and choose a closely aligned partner. Learn to be assertive, identify and ask for what you want and need, identify and assert boundaries, and develop the ability to say "No". Be the "Chooser" and cautious of people that choose you!

10. Entitlement Trap

Believing you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as you rely on your partner to bring happiness and fulfillment and inevitably experience disappointment. "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got."

Solution: Take personal responsibility for your life and relationship. Define your Vision and Life Purpose and live them when single.

11. Virtual Reality Trap

Believing that "what you see is what you get." Making hasty long-term relationship decisions based on short-term impressions and inferences instead of actual experience and knowledge. Results in seeing what you want to see and relationship failure when later reality doesn't match.

Solution: Assume "you don't know what you don't know" and stay in a "pre-commitment" stage until you have solid experience and knowledge that this is the right relationship for you.

12. Lone Ranger Trap

Believing that you don't need anyone's help in finding your Life Partner. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners, and risk of settling for less than what you really want because you don't want to be alone.

Frustrated With Your Dating Life? Here's Why...

2009-03-04T22:37:00.000-08:00

Every day we get phone calls and e-mails from both men and women. I see that as a major plus because it's like having a crystal ball that cuts through the haze and offers some very clear insight into how men and women think about each other.

Just this week something finally occurred to me after fielding literally thousands of calls and e-mails. There is ONE FACTOR that literally every single person who calls or writes shares. It's almost like a common thread of DNA.

None of them are IN CONTROL of their dating lives.

Instead, it's whomever they are interested in who tends to be in FULL CONTROL.

You see, typically a guy will write me and say something like, "Hey Scot, I got a phone number from a woman but I called her and she was completely non-committal about hanging out sometime. How do I get her to go out with me?"

Or, he may say, "Look Scot, I've got a problem here. I started dating this woman and it was going well. But then she stopped returning calls as quickly as she once did. And lately she has been telling me she's ‘super busy' and can't really get together as often. I texted her four or five times yesterday, but she didn't answer."

The women's version tends to be shockingly similar, if for some untold reason the stories themselves more dramatic and entertaining.

"Scot, I really like this guy who is ‘legally separated'. But he hasn't filed for divorce and changes the subject whenever I bug him about it. We were supposed to go out Friday night but he never called. So I finally called him around 10p and some chick answered! She was really, really, REALLY mad. What do I do?"

Or…

"Gee Scot, I met this guy online and he lives a couple of hours away. I don't understand why he can't just take a Saturday afternoon and meet me half way or something to have lunch. But he keeps putting it off. How can I get him to be more excited about meeting me?"

Do you see the pattern there?

Each of the four scenarios above involves someone having put the object of his or her potential affection in complete, utter control over the outcome.

The most curious part of this is that the guys who are in such a position are the same ones who are firmly convinced that "women are the choosers and men are the chasers". They are the ones who complain that women "can pick up a guy anytime they want, and we guys have to do all the work".

Meanwhile, every single woman in a similar position relates to me some version of, "How come I have to be the only one who cares about the relationship all the time? How come I call him and couldn't be sweeter to him, but he hardly ever calls back? And when he does, how come he only wants to see me like once a month?"

Yep…you got it. The one IN CONTROL chooses…man or woman.

And that's precisely why everyone in that "out of control" position ends up frustrated. They feel powerless and asking someone like us "what to do" to is really just a band-aid.

The reality is there's nothing they CAN do to get inside another person's mind and work the controls.

At least not directly.

But here's something else I've noticed.

I rarely get calls or e-mails from men or women who view themselves as having OPTIONS when it comes to MOTOS (Members Of The Opposite Sex).

Sure, some people might start dating several MOTOS at once and end up having a hard time sorting out their rambunctious social lives.

And at that point they may get on the "blower" and ask me how to deal. But again, that's really just another version of NOT BEING IN CONTROL of one's dating life, isn't it?

Granted, that's a "high quality problem", but it's still a twist on the same basic issue nonetheless. But instead of one person being in control over another, in this case you have one person being controlled by the pressures of many on his or her time.

Dating Shyness - How to Overcome Your Shyness When Dating

2009-02-07T22:36:00.000-08:00

Dating shyness can be an obstacle for people who are timid or introverted. Aside from the natural “players” who circle the dating game as if it’s a carnival ride, some people just aren’t born lucky. Let’s figure out if you have dating shyness or if you’re the ultimate natural at the dating scene. Ask yourself these questions.

Do you end up being your most boring self on a date? Do you get tongue-tied and out of words? Do you simply sit there and mumble your answers for fear of saying something silly? Then, congratulations! This article is undeniably the one for you.

Below are tips on overcoming your dating shyness. I hope you learn enough to get past those first-dates only category.

Being naturally shy isn’t supposed to be your fault. If you are uncomfortable opening up or sharing too much of yourself too soon, this can work to your advantage. For the opposite sex, you can be mistaken as somebody quite “mysterious”. And mystery breeds its own sort of anticipation.

Instead of talking about yourself on a date, focus instead on the other person. Don’t feign interest; be genuine by being eager to know more about your date. That way, you can remain your shy self, without ruining the date.

Ask questions. Be nice and polite. Dating shyness can’t be that bad, you don’t have to be the Extrovert-of-the-Year to score points on that first date!

Figure out what makes you shy. Deal with provoking situations as you would a math problem. Do it a step at a time. If you feel tense being on blind dates and having dinner with a complete stranger, then don’t. Why not go into cyber romance first?

Get to know somebody by emailing, chatting or even text messaging. If you feel comfortable enough, you can meet up later on, right? That way you wouldn’t be too shy once you see him/her up close.

So you see, being shy doesn’t mean you should miss out on the dating opportunities at your feet. All you have to do is to work your way around dating shyness until it works to your advantage. It’s nothing really harmful as long as it’s a natural part of your personality. Besides if your date really does like you for who you are, it won’t matter if you’re outgoing or extremely shy.

Karen Braschuk How Chronic Pain Can Affect Dating and Relationships - Part 3 - Poor Self-Image, Lack of Trust and Resentment

2009-02-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

When the majority of a person's energy is spent battling physical pain on a daily basis, they may also struggle with the concept that someone else could find them truly attractive or worthy of love and attention. This is especially true when it comes to dating and/or maintaining existing romantic relationships.

While the physically healthy person may be saying,"Yes, you are attractive and worthy of my love and attention," these words may not always find their way to the heart of their partner suffering from chronic pain, especially in the middle of the night when self-doubt creeps in.

There can be very strong emotions involved when dealing with physical pain of any kind, both on behalf of the sufferer and the person who wants to be close to them. Both are weary of the battle, neither wants it to continue and both usually feel helpless to control the situation.

As a person in chronic pain, I have experienced:

· Poor self-image

· Lack of trust

· Resentment

My partner has also experienced the same emotions.

Sometimes the healthy person, who is more than willing to see beyond their partner's limitations and is sincere in their love and devotion, can become discouraged by being told, "Find yourself someone healthy because I'm just a burden to you," or, "You can't be that happy with me. Why don't you go out and have some real fun?"

Here are some ways in which my partner and I have successfully worked out these feelings:

1) Poor Self-image

A person who is always in pain may find themselves fighting the feeling, "I must have done something really awful to deserve this." As illogical as that might seem, it can still be a very real emotion.

The person in chronic pain may also be unable to take care of themselves on a day-to-day basis in the same way that they used to. They may gain or lose weight or not have the motivation or ability to go for a simple walk. Even performing the most basic self-care functions like brushing one's teeth or showering can become a monumental task.

A poor self-image on behalf of the healthy person in the relationship can arise due to completely different reasons. "If I were any kind of a man (or a woman), I would be able to help this person. I'd be able to do something. Why can't I do that? What's the matter with ME?"

Solution: Realize that neither one of you is inadequate because of the circumstances that you are in. It is what it is and you must share your feelings with one another.

As the healthy person, tell your partner how much you wish you could help them. If you are the person in chronic pain, tell your partner how much you wish you could be the same person that you used to be.

You must share these initial feelings before you can move forward. Then once you have, you both need to let them go and work on ways to rebuild each other's self-image in a positive way.

2) Lack of Trust

You probably fell in love with each other for the very best of reasons. When I refer to a ‘lack of trust' in a relationship between a person in chronic pain and a healthy person, I'm not referring to the standard concept of infidelity.

A person in chronic pain may already be feeling a bit shaky about their self-image and overall worthiness. They may also feel a lack of trust in their partner's ability to face the challenges that lie ahead. "Does he/she really know what's involved here? Can I trust him/her to stay with me for the long haul even if I never get better? Are they just saying these things because they feel sorry for me or do they really love me?"

The healthy partner, trying desperately to understand what their partner in chronic pain is going through, and while sincerely in love with them, may sometimes feel, "Perhaps he/she is only with me because they need me right now. What will happen if they get better? Will he/she leave me? Are they with me only because I am willing to deal with these circumstances?"

Solution: Celebrate what really attracted you to each other in the first place. It could be your partner's sense of humor and ability to giggle with you throughout the night while they do their rendition of Elmer Fudd's laugh, or when they happen to look at you with ‘those eyes' while picking up a kitten and you feel an overwhelming urge to hug them at that very moment.

These precious moments have nothing to do with pain. They have everything to do with love and the solidarity of knowing that one has touched one's partner in a way that no one else ever could. These moments will never go away, whether the person in chronic pain gets better or not. They just "are." Trust in them.

3) Resentment

There are times when a person suffering from chronic pain-as well as their partner-may feel a huge sense of resentment, frustration or anger. These pent up emotions may be turned inward, vented toward each other, or poured out to the universe in general.

What sometimes happens is that the person in pain may feel, "He/she can go out and do whatever they want. Why can't I? I don't want to feel envious of the person I love, but in a way, I can't help myself."

The healthy person may feel, "Why can't my partner participate with me in all of the normal things I want to do? I'm upset that they can't. I know it's not their fault, but I don't know what to do with my anger."

These feelings of anger and resentment are very real and most certainly justified. They are not necessarily directed toward each other, just to the situation. But sometimes when they are released, they can be misconstrued as anger toward one another and cause damage to the relationship.

Solution: Whenever you have a knee-jerk reaction to an emotion like resentment or anger, whether you happen to be the partner who is in chronic pain or the healthy partner, it's okay to walk away from it for a while…physically, emotionally or both. It's okay to feel safe with that. Tomorrow will be a better day if you really want it to be.

Maintaining a successful romantic relationship can be a challenge at the best of times. When one partner also happens to suffer from chronic pain, the added complications of poor self-image, lack of trust and resentment can further muddy the waters, but can be successfully overcome with true love, desire and most importantly, honest communication with one another.

Everyone is just one step away from love…or is already loved…no matter what their circumstances. They may just not be aware of it yet.

Dating Advice: Five Great Places to Meet High Quality Dates

2009-02-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest questions singles ask is: Where can I meet high quality singles? Since the bar scene does not work for much more than a one-night stand (of course there are exceptions to this), here are some other places to meet your match.

1. Friend Networks: It is very easy to meet prospective dates during social occasions, at friends' parties, weddings, and other get-togethers. Because the atmosphere is relaxed, it is easy to mingle, meet different people and socialize. Feel free to ask your friend for an introduction to eligible singles, especially if you are a bit shy at first.

2. Joining Groups that share in Your Interests: Clubs and organizations that match your interests are one of the best ways to meet other individuals that share your interests. Travel clubs, walking clubs, gourmet clubs and wine-tasting events are some of the ways you can meet a prospective mate. There are many meet up groups in every area online or in your local paper.

3. Taking a Class at a Local Community Center or School: If you sign up for a class that you have always wanted to take, such as cooking, computers, Salsa dancing or an organizational seminar, you can have a chance to meet a variety of people while learning something new. You can also take a yoga or kickboxing class at your local gym or community center,

4. Using a reputable matchmaker or dating service: Using a matchmaker can be an effective way to have your prospective mate "pre-screened" for you and suited to match your lifestyle and interests. If you are looking for a serious long-term commitment, this can be a good way to go.

5. Online Dating Sites: This is the most popular way for today's singles to meet. If you take this route, it is best to go to a site that offers assessments such as E-Harmony or Match, because they go in-depth on the profiles and give you a great deal of selection. Try talking with the person on the phone a time or two before agreeing to meet, and ask pertinent questions about them.

Safety tip: When meeting someone from online, it is best to meet them first at a public place such as a coffee shop. Bring a safety buddy with you for extra security, and avoid being alone in their car or your homes until you are completely comfortable. People are not always 100% honest online.

When the old ways of dating and relating no longer work, try something new! Try it more than once, as meeting new people takes time, and you don't always find what you are looking for your first week out. Most of all, have fun and be a successful single yourself. The more you bring to the table to share, the more desirable you will be as a potential date or mate.

10 Golden Rules For Successful Online Dating

2009-02-04T22:33:00.000-08:00

As everyone knows, the favourite method of mating and dating for singletons the world over is to join an online dating site. But what most people don't realise is that only around 10% of dating site members actually meet a long-term partner on their chosen site and a whopping 70% don't even receive one message from another member. If you follow the 10 simple steps outlined below, you too can join the 10% who find love and romance on line.

1. Choose the right site. The boom in online dating has provided a plethora of choice for consumers but you should take a few moments to decide on the type of partner you're looking for, not to mention the town or city where you would prefer him/her to be located. There are niche sites which cater to all sectors (single parents, bikers, gay people etc) and general sites which welcome all comers just as there are city or country specific sites and sites with a global perspective. Choosing the right site for you is probably the most important decision you'll make when looking for a partner on line.

2. Choose a great username. First impressions always last and the on line identity which you give yourself is the first thing that other members will see before they check-out your profile. 'Funny' works, 'cryptic' works and you wont go far wrong even if you decide to use your own christian name but if you go down the smutty or sexually suggestive route (which a lot of guys seem to do), you'll find that other members will give you a wide berth.

3. Upload a photo. This is crucial as a significant percentage of people only search for members who have bothered to include a pic you want to see what other members look like so it stands to reason that other people will feel the same way about you. If the only photo you have isn't particularly flattering, you can always mention that in your profile - it's still better than no photo at all.

4. Complete your profile. There's nothing more off-putting than a profile which screams "I can't be bothered to do this properly". If you don't have time to complete all the categories when you are signing-up, then make the time to do so at the earliest opportunity.

5. Be upbeat and positive. If you're feeling a little down or lacking in confidence, now isn't the time to say so when you're writing a description of yourself. If you come across as confident, happy and full of fun, you'll get much more attention than if you come across as mono-syllabic or down in the dumps. And remember, humour is a real ice-breaker and a great aphrodisiac.

6. Widen your search criteria. If you generally go for people who have blonde hair, blue eyes and are between 5'4" and 5'6" and you narrow your search down to just these specifics, then you may be missing out on a great many other members who you'll also find just as attractive. To start with, just search by gender, age and location and that way you'll be giving yourself the widest possible choice.

7. Don't automatically dismiss people. If you receive a message from someone who's profile you like but who hasn't bothered to include a photo, you should still write back and ask them to send a pic to your regular email address. You'll find that many people are more willing to do this than post a pic for all and sundry to look at.

8. Use all the features on offer. Many sites provide a great deal more than just an internal emailing system. Some sites might include voice messaging whilst others such as enable members to chat and flirt in 'real time' with other members and the more you take advantage of everything that's available to you, the more chance you have of making contact with someone special.

9. Be proactive. Once you've registered and completed your profile, don't wait for others to make contact with you. When you spot someone who you think might be a good fit with yourself, write to them and introduce yourself. And don't just say 'Hi, I like your profile', tell them why you've written to them and point out the things that you believe you have in common. A long opening message will create a much better impression than a short, perfunctory one.

10. Check back with the site. Most popular dating sites have new people joining all the time so remember to log-in at least once every day to view the most recent members and you can then contact anyone you like the look of before others get the chance to do so. Also, you should remember that on most sites, the members who log-in the most appear higher up the search listings than those who don't so your profile will be easier to spot by people with whom you might be compatible.

So there you have it - successful online dating is not rocket science it just takes a bit of thought and a bit of effort and if you adhere to the 10 rules that I have outlined above, then your personal life will soon receive the kick-start it deserves.

Dating Tips For Guys: Six "Limiting Beliefs" Exposed

2009-01-09T22:32:00.000-08:00

So how about it? Are you ready to put aside some of the excuses that have kept you from meeting women?

I realize that seems like a rhetorical question, but believe me-I talk to guys EVERY DAY who would appear to be MORE COMFORTABLE clinging to excuses than really SUCCEEDING with women.

It's true. But since you're reading this newsletter, I'm going to continue on the premise that you're ready to truly go from GOOD to GREAT with women…as opposed to simply talking about it to assuage yourself.

Fair enough?

Right on. With that, welcome to an objective discussion of what very well could be haunting YOU every single day in your journey to greatness with women.

Here are a HALF-DOZEN that almost all of us face, along with a quick solution for making each respective one DISAPPEAR:

1) Not Good Looking Enough

As much as we're told "looks don't matter" to women, you'd think we'd get the message. But we don't. Why is that?

Simply put, we as guys tend to default to an understanding of women's thought processes as if they were dead similar to our own.

As we've talked about before, the irony is that we go around thinking like this even as we say "women are impossible to understand".

Guys tend to "pre-value" women based on their physical appearance, therefore we assume that women do the same. But women indeed view the world differently.

Bottom line, you can look around you and see guys who would appear to have been buffeted repeatedly about the head and shoulders with an ugly stick-make that an ugly SHOVEL if you will-in the company of GREAT women.

And those women adore them.

Overweight? Undertall? Bald? Same thing.

For sure, do the best with what you've got. Women appreciate that.

But if you represent the "Big Four" to a woman, you REALLY CAN become the most debonair man she's ever had the pleasure to behold.

Your core masculinity, confidence, character and ability to inspire her confidence IS flat-out beautiful to her.

2) Not Rich Enough

Even in the face of cold hard facts, SO MANY guys continue to believe that "only rich guys get hot women".

First of all, if the only reason you ARE getting a woman is because of your money, you're IN FOR A TOUGH LIFE. Need I say more?

But again, look around. Plenty of guys who can't rub two cents together have great women.

In the immortal words of Allen Iverson, "It's not about the money".

In sports, whenever you hear that it REALLY IS "about the money".

But this is a whole different "ball game".

Money can be a BY PRODUCT of AMBITION. Money also tends to demonstrate that you could POTENTIALLY provide SECURITY in providing for a woman.

But it's the AMBITION ITSELF that tells women you have a plan…one that they can hitch their wagon to.

And the REALITY of making a woman FEEL SAFE comes from YOUR CONFIDENCE and CHARACTER, not from your wallet. Really.

High quality women are looking for YOU to represent security to them. Even if you DID have millions of dollars, that alone wouldn't cut it for them.

You become the "Big Four" man a woman craves, and all she'll care about is living a great life with you holding her and telling her everything is going to be okay.

And if she BELIEVES you when you tell her that, it really wasn't the money.

3) I Don't Have The Right Personality

Every person is unique. Like a diamond. This alone means that there can't possibly be "The Personality Type" that attracts women.

If you think about it, the simple fact that WOMEN are all different means that each one is going to have unique tastes…just like you do.

Yet, this doesn't stop guys from thinking that women ALL want "life of the party" guys if they're NOT that guy.

Meanwhile, I hear from very outgoing guys who firmly believe they need to "tone it down" because women apparently want the "strong silent type".

What gives? Are we ALL the "wrong" type of guy?

Come on, man. That CAN'T be true.

And we ESPECIALLY can't ALL be "wrong" for ALL women?

Whoever you are, you'll attract the women whose personality type you mesh with. That's a good thing. So why stand in the way of it?

Stop pretending you need to do a 180 and deserve what you want instead-which is someone you'll actually get along with.

The MORE you fight your natural personality type, the LESS likely that is to happen.

4) Women Don't Want To Be Bothered

Look what four decades of "feminization of manhood" has done to us.

Just last week I was in a discussion with a woman who claimed that "human sexuality is limited to physical features…all the rest is socio-cultural".

Femininity and masculinity were "relative" and "negotiable" to her.

When I suggested that she not be too hard on the next guy who was only sexually attracted to her body parts, the conversation ended abruptly.

Check it out gentlemen. THOSE WOMEN ARE THE MINORITY.

The rest of them are still proud to be 100% woman…feminine through-and-through.

And they WANT a man around. The question is simply whether you are going to MAN UP, realize that, and BRING IT.

You are sexually attracted to women, as I'm sure you've already figured out.

NEWS FLASH: Women are usually sexually attracted to men. You're not bothering them. Really.

To think otherwise is to give in to faulty programming from a vocal minority. Either that, or it's just a flimsy excuse. One or the other.

5) No Matter What, Women Just Don't Like Me

You've been out with some women, and you're not getting second dates.

Meanwhile, your friends and family wonder why you're single and don't have a girlfriend.

Solution? You've been LEADING. Even on those disastrous first dates.

Sure, you do just fine socially…until you're in front of a woman you're attracted to.

Face it: it's YOU who is different in those situations.

It's not that "women hate you" or something.

The good news is you can CONTROL the outcome. You are NOT a victim.

If you are doing fine elsewhere with people, it means your personality WORKS.

Now it's simply a matter of killing the "too good to be true factor".

Stop submarining your confidence thinking there's no chance a woman YOU like could possibly like you back.

Let her decide that on her own rather than YOU leading her to a negative outcome.

What difference could being as confident of other's approval in the presence of a hottie as you typically are in all other situations mean?

In a very real way it could mean shredding up this "limiting belief" once and for all.

6) I Haven't Learned Enough Yet

Sure, having tons of knowledge about how women think and what they want is IMMENSELY valuable.

And sure, maybe you recognize that there's a journey ahead of you in becoming the "Big Four" guy YOU envision yourself to be.

BUT…you can't wallow in "theory" over there forever.

You've GOT TO PRACTICE.

If you play golf, you might read some Golf manuals and magazines, then you go hit a bucket at the range.

You may take notes, come back and read some more, then maybe play 18 with a few friends.

Improvement happens over time through a combination of KNOWLEDGE and PRACTICE.

It follows logically that succeeding with women is a similar process.

Unless, of course, you're looking for an excuse to remain terrified of women. Then you'll continue to "fail to deploy".

Pull the trigger, gentlemen. Relax and have fun…the women dig you.

So you thought you were alone, did you?

If there's ANY takeaway from what you've just read, it's that just about every one of us thinks we're ALL ALONE in dealing with our self-perceived inadequacies.

But the truth is that WE ALL tend to battle VERY SIMILAR demons.

Can you get your head around that, realize that what you're "up against" is completely normal, and use that information to RISE ABOVE the adversity?

Your answer to that very question will decide whether or not you'll have the stones to step up and make success happen with women…or not.

Six Steps to Dating Men Effectively in Today's World

2009-01-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

Similar to a job interview, a date should be used as a screening process to determine if both you and he have the same objective in mind and would be compatible. Implementing the following six steps will allow you to immediately weed out less suitable men and stay focused on attracting what you really want in a man and a relationship.

1. Determine what you really want in a relationship before you begin dating.

Identify your main objective for dating. If what you really want is a long-term relationship, and he is interested in something more casual, don't compromise. Be honest with yourself about what you really desire and what he's really after. Don't try to make a casual interest on his part into something more than what it is. This will ultimately lead to disappointment and disillusionment. Accept him for who he is and keep looking.

2. Determine what you really want in a man before you begin dating.

Assess what primary qualities and character traits the man would need to possess for the type of relationship you're seeking. Keep in mind that the type of qualities that may suffice for a casual involvement may not be adequate for a more serious, long-term commitment. Be careful not to settle or get sidetracked by a man who does not exhibit a majority of the qualities and traits you require for the sake of having a relationship. Don't try make a guy into someone he's not in an attempt to satisfy your agenda. This will inevitably lead to resentment and contempt on his part. Make the extra effort to keep looking for the man who intrinsically possesses the character and personality that genuinely resonates with you.

3. Set boundaries before the date begins

Establishing a minimum criteria for how you expect to be treated on a date is essential because it sets the stage for how you expect to be treated for the duration of the relationship. Inappropriate behavior on a date includes: showing up late, speaking on the cell phone instead of providing you with his undivided attention, insulting you and others, combing the venue for other women and flirting with the staff. If your date exhibits behavior that you deem unacceptable and inappropriate, simply cut the date short and move on. Men who are disrespectful are a waste of time and not worth dating.

4. Protect your interest

Unfortunately there are some unscrupulous characters out there looking for women to exploit. Be suspect of men who have these great business propositions, are in need of a place to stay or are otherwise in need of your financial assistance. To these types of men, women who are only too willing to assist them financially are easy prey and can be easily taken advantage of because they are desperate to have a relationship.

5. Be objective about who he really is

Don't come to the table with preconceived notions; be open-minded. Instead of daydreaming about picking out china patterns with this guy after your first encounter, stay in the moment. See the date and him realistically. Every date isn't meant to be a catalyst for a long-term commitment. Some of the guys you date may turn into great friendships or you may learn a particular lesson. Accept the date for what is was meant to be and don't let your sexual attraction to someone skew your ability to think rationally.

6. Date more than one guy during the beginning of the dating process

Keep in mind that dating is not synonymous with having sex . You can date more than one guy at any given time and not have sex with any of them. Also, dating more than one guy during the beginning of the dating process will keep you from becoming fixated on one guy and projecting unrealistic expectations on to him in order make him into what you want. It also lets men know that you have options. If he's serious about being in a more committed relationship with you, he'll make his intentions known. At the end of a date, instead of wondering if he's going to call and ask you out again, assess whether you really want to go out with him again. Be honest with yourself. Did he exhibit the qualities and character you desire in a partner? Did you pickup on something that was off putting or sense that something wasn't quite right? Did he overstep your boundaries? Did you have a good time or do want him to call back because you need validation? Did you enjoy each other's company or was it just a good excuse for you to get out of the house?

Whether you are looking for casual companionship or a more serious involvement, taking time to consider what you require in a relationship before the date will allow you to remain objective, stay focused on your main purpose and maintain control during the dating process.

How To Impress Your Vietnamese Date

2009-01-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I got the kind of e-mail I particularly love to read: Someone else is succeeding at online dating more than ever before.

This time, a guy wrote me attaching the profile of a particularly attractive hottie who happens to be Vietnamese. And wow, she seems full of life, energy, compassion and feminine charm–a nearly perfect combination out of which to craft a woman's personality, I'd say.

Her name is Thuy.

Having worked with Vietnamese kids back in the early years of my career as a life coach to teens, I suggested that my friend knock this woman's sox off (presumably red, since they're Bostonians) by telling her in his follow-up e-mail that it's time to talk on the phone, especially since he bets he can pronounce her name correctly.

If you say Twee, as if Elmer Fudd referring to a tree, you'd pass such a test yourself. Even better is Tu-WEE. Either way, my friend will successfully bestow upon Thuy what she loves most to hear if she's like any other red-blooded human being: the sound of her name.

Knowing how irritating it is to have one's name spelled wrong, I can only imagine what it's like to have one's name aurally butchered as ruthlessly as Thuy's must have been over the years.

My friend can't lose by pronouncing her name right. He's in.

But based on her e-mail she appears to already be completely enthralled by him anyway. And the best time to improve your game is when you are on top of it, right?

So best wishes to those two when the "Iron Chef battle" takes place in his kitchen, a concept he successfully borrowed from a sample profile I published a year or so ago.

But all the while, I couldn't help but reminded of a story–one that'll be twenty years old later this year.

Back at the very start of my career working with high-schoolers I knew a Vietnamese kid, illustriously named "Phuc That".

As Dave Barry would say, "I promise I'm not making this up".

He and his parents were fresh off the boat (or "FOB" in their own cultural vernacular). I actually took another kid with me to meet his parents, and we tried to explain to them, with the kid as interpreter, the potential brouhaha to be brought about by his name in this country.

I'll never forget that meeting.

Being very young and ready to save the world at the time (and the only thing that has changed since, by the way, is that twenty years have passed) I remember feeling as if I was performing a public service of monumental importance, even while trying to be respectful of cultural pride and the possible deep significance of the kid's name as given by his parents.

As fortune would have it, both Phuc (say "Fook") and his parents were quite alarmed by our information. Perhaps almost as alarmed (or alternately amused) as Phuc noted that people had been by his name since his arrival in the States a couple of weeks prior.

Perhaps ironically, the kid ended up going by "Frank", which turned out to result in only a Pyrrhic victory since his last name was actually pronounced "Chat".

So the "serious talk" I had with the kids parents resulted in a "Frank Chat"…literally.

Well, it beat the alternative, I suppose.

The moral of the story, if you really must find dating advice in here somewhere, is that if you enjoy dating people from different cultures–which can be a total blast–a great way to start is by making sure you have read up on their customs a bit. And by all means learn how to pronounce names correctly. It matters immensely.

How To Get Someone You've Been Dating To Commit To A Relationship

2009-01-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

If someone asked, "What is the truest expression of love", my answer would be "commitment".

Of course the perfect answer would be "dying for another" but the reality is that there aren't that many opportunities for each of us to die for another to demonstrate our love.

In terms of love between a woman and man, what defines "commitment"?

Difficult question! There are probably as many answers as there are couples and individuals in partnerships.

Some ways the word "commitment" have been used include:

-- A formal public vow in which two people choose to dedicate themselves to each other for life, through a marriage ceremony, either religious or civil.

-- An arrangement that allows two people to enjoy all of the benefits of marriage, but without the "slippery realities" of a religious or civil contract (live in boyfriend/girlfriend)

-- An agreement to start planning a future together (engagement)

-- A verbal contract to "see how it works out" before starting to plan a future together

-- A verbal contract to continue working on and investing in the relationship

-- A promise to have only one sex partner (exclusive relationship)

As you can see, every man and woman's commitment expectations are different, and that's perfectly fine. But whether commitment to you means a marriage ceremony and vow or a verbal agreement to be exclusive sex partners, one thing is for sure: a committed relationship is not something that just happens because you've been with the same person for a certain period of time, so things "naturally" progress into a committed relationship.

We all know too well that in real life that's not what happens. What happens is that one partner finds him or herself feeling committed but doesn't sense the same level of commitment from the other person. Getting someone who doesn't seem ready to commit or resists commitment to commit is probably one of the most difficult things to do.

Some men and women may be tempted to tell the other person to get on board or get out, but this usually doesn't work because people in general resent being forced to abandon their position, and are likely to leave or try to undermine the relationship. Just as you can't insist that someone love you or love you back, you can't insist that someone commits to you. To insist or try to force a commitment is to court unhappiness, pain and a broken heart.

So what do you do if you are ready for a commitment and the other person doesn't seem quite there yet? Do you just wait for him or her to commit to you -- and to the relationship?

There's no hard and fast rule for when a relationship should move from one stage to the next, but if your relationship has been stable for some time now but things just aren't moving forward, it's time to take matters into your own hands.

The first step is to evaluate the relationship's commitment potential. Sometimes it's a matter of really understanding the situation and why commitment hasn't been brought up and if it has been brought up why you're not in a committed relationship - yet!

An honest, realistic and open inventory of the situation would include among other things finding out what the other person is worried or concerned about. Most men and women have good reasons for resisting commitment, some may be consciously aware of their reasons and others have no clue themselves.

It's possible that the other person is more focused on the negatives than the positives. There is a chance that s/he thinks that things just won't work out, that they'll fail, that they'll get hurt or will hurt you.

If his/her fears are unfounded, then reassure him/her. If you don't understand what s/he is saying, ask him/her to explain. Don't assume you know what s/he is most worried or concerned about. Ask, listen and show empathy towards his/her worries or concerns. When someone is allowed to talk about his/her fears and reservations in a supportive and safe environment, without being attacked or made fun of, they're more likely to see that their fears are unfounded.

It's also possible that the other person is comfortable with the current situation and feels that a commitment will change things and even spoil them. If s/he thinks the uncertainties, risks and what s/he has to give up outweighs the benefits of a committed relationships, s/he'll be disinclined to the change commitment brings.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to explain in words and demonstrate in actions what's in it for him/her personally. S/he needs to see that the future will be better than the current situation. S/he also needs to feel that not only will s/he be a beneficiary of that desired future, but an equal co-creator in making the future happen. His/her commitment will be directly proportionate to his/her confidence and enthusiasm, so make sure you that you keep communication open at all times.

It's important to remember that while resistance to commitment can sometimes seem like your world has come to a standstill, resistance to commitment can also be healthy. It can act like brakes slowing it down and allowing you to see things more clearly (is this person right for you) and also manage the process at the pace that is comfortable to you emotionally and financially.

That said, it's not a very good idea not to wait too long before bringing up commitment as things might just get too comfortable to change.

8 Simple Rules For Dating Your Ex

2009-01-01T22:28:00.000-08:00

Dating your ex again isn't the same as dating someone new. You have a romantic history together and that changes the whole dynamics of approaching, asking for a date and entering into a relationship.

One of the hardest things to do is figuring out which behaviors are proper and which are potentially damaging. Here are 8 simple rules that can help you not only make the experience a positive one but actually get your ex back into your life -- for good!

1. Make sure you are emotionally available

So much hurt, so much regret, so much anger and so much fear can make you emotionally unavailable on virtually every level imaginable. If it is likely that you will fail because of a sense of inadequacy/ insecurity, neediness, desperation, guilt, anger, jealousy etc. then don't even start trying to get your ex back. In this state, you are not at your best and you are not thinking clearly and rationally. The amount of time and effort it takes for each person to once again become emotionally available differs according to the time and effort each wastes ranting, raving, stalking, moping around and missing their ex.

2. Be honest with yourself and your relationship worthiness

We've all heard it before, "before anyone can love you, you must love yourself". So before you even contact your ex, remember one very important thing: nothing you do will work without love for yourself. It starts with loving yourself, being honest to yourself and having enough confidence in yourself. When you are honest with yourself, you're able to be honest with others. When you are confident and self-assured, you're able to be assertive with people without being needy, pushy or aggressive.

3. Take responsibility for your part in the break-up and learn from your mistakes

Whether you admit it or not you contributed to the problems in the relationship in some small or large way, so own up and accept your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. When you blame your ex, other people, God or the universe itself, you distance yourself from any possible lesson and acceleration of progress. But if you courageously stand up and honestly say "This is my mistake and I am responsible" even if only privately to yourself, you begin to see a way forward instead of being stuck in the past. And just as you learn when to not fall into the same hole when you're walking around the block, you have more chance of success when you can avoid the same mistakes next time round the block.

4. Do NOT hurry or try to force anything

Be realistic about your situation and what can be achieved in a given time. Trying to put everything on fast forward is a huge mistake that actually slows down the process -- and even permanently halts it. Just because you want your ex back so bad, does NOT mean they feel the same about you at that point in time. As a general rule of thumb, if they haven't responded to your attempts at making contact after three to four tries and you know they have access to phones, email and the internet, let it go and stop trying. They might well surprise you --better to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed and devastated because you acted out of neediness and desperation.

5. Don't try to create the same relationship again, instead create one that is better than the old one

You can not start a new relationship with your ex from where the old one ended. The end of a relationship is literary the death of it. The attraction and feelings you have for each other may still be the same but the relationship you had ended. And precisely because of that painful experience you are no longer the same people. The very experience of breaking-up changes who you are, who you think the other is and how you see reality. Because you are no longer the same people, look at this experience as two new people, starting a new relationship together. You'll find it much easier and you are more likely to get a more positive outcome if you give up the idea of trying to fix an old relationship and instead try to create a new and better one.

6. Use each and every contact as an opportunity to make an emotional connection

Really take the time to focus your attention fully on your ex as a unique individual, even if it's just for a brief period of time. Just being fully present and attentively listening to him or her and what is really going on in his or her life-- feelings, needs, secrets, hopes, fears, embarrassments, expectations -- and then asking the impact of events such as how they felt when a certain thing happened provides the safety and reassurance needed to create emotional intimacy. By doing this, the other person feels seen, heard, validated and cared for.

7. Focus on the positive instead of focusing on the negative

It's impossible to make a positive impression and meaningful influence when you're recalling negative emotions and constantly bringing up bad memories. And it's self-defeating (and stupid) to be trying to get your ex back while at the same time you are blaming, criticizing, lecturing and even arguing with him or her. Nobody likes to have to defend themselves or be forced into a corner. That's just too much stress. If you are distressed by your ex's actions/words then you need to change the way in which you react to them otherwise you are setting yourself up for intense mood swings and even depressive episodes -- let alone another break up.

8. Do not assume anything, always seek to understand and be understood

Always ask your ex for clarification if you are not too sure about what he or she is saying; and be open to several solutions. Look outside the box and see if the two of you can agree on the important stuff and let the small stuff take care of themselves. On some issues, you will have to give in. On other issues, you will have to ask him or her to do something that will bring a calmer perspective to the situation as well as new ideas. If you want him or her to do something and he or she is resisting, ask him or her to try it for a limited time, such as a week, and then evaluate the situation. This makes him or her feel that he or she is not locked into a decision and that you have his or her best interest at heart.

I am not going to lie to you, this is not going to be easy. There will be a lot of work to do and you'll meet with some resistance from time to time. Just remember there are so many men and women out there who have done it!!

About Author: Internationally renowned Dating & Relationships Coach, Christine Akiteng has devoted years of her life re-uniting couples and has seen over and over again first hand what works. She has woven together solid-gold advice on just about every stage of getting back together with your ex to help you make the process less scary and shaky and more exciting and smooth as possible.